Depending on what computer system the airline uses, check-in staff can talk to each other via simultaneous email. So when they seem to be taking a very long time to type your rather short name into the computer, they are probably sending one of their colleagues a message – usually about you or about someone in the queue behind you. These messages range from 'Have you seen this incredibly good looking woman / man?' to 'I've got a really difficult passenger here – does anyone have a seat next to a screaming child?' So you can see, it really does pay to be nice to the person at the desk.
There is a sensible drinking policy on all airlines, which means that we are not supposed to serve passengers if they start getting noisy, but some air crew think that if you give them enough to eat and drink, they will eventually fall asleep and give you no trouble at all. And, as every flight attendant knows, a snoring plane is a happy plane. That's the reason, of course, why we like to turn the heating up halfway through a flight...
Some airports are notorious for losing passengers' luggage. Heathrow has a poor reputation – most airports lose about two in every thousand bags, but Heathrow loses eighty per thousand, which means for every five hundred people who check in, forty won't get their bags or suitcases at the other end! This is mainly because the transport times between the terminal are so tight. When the airport is busy, which it always is, there is so much baggage being transported between the terminals and so little time to do it that a lot of the transferred luggage gets left behind.
Wheelchairs are a big problem for us. Not only is there always a shortage of them for the people who really need them, but worse still, some of the people who request them often don't need them at all. I've lost count of the number of times I've pushed someone through the airport, taken them through customs and passport control, and got a porter to pick up their luggage, and then seen the person jump up in Arrivals and sprint towards their waiting relatives. One flight attendant I know gets so annoyed when this happens that as soon as the passenger gets out of the chair she shouts, 'Ladies and gentlemen! I give you another miracle, courtesy of the airline industry! After decades in a chair, he walks again!' The passenger is normally so embarrassed that he (and it's usually a he) disappears as quickly as he can.
Birds are one of the major problems for any airport when planes are taking off and landing. A swan or any large bird can easily cause an accident. It flies into the engine, totally destroying itself and the machinery. Smaller birds are less of a problem. In some cases they can do some damage, but more often than not they are just roasted. When this happens, there is often such a strong smell of roast bird that passengers on the plane think that chicken is being cooked, and they're often surprised when they are given a choice of fish or beef at dinner!
Larry Walters was a lorry driver, but he had always wanted to fly. After leaving school, he wanted to become an Air Force pilot, but unfortunately, he was turned down because of his poor eyesight. So he had to make do with watching others fly the fighter jets that criss-crossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his garden chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.
Then one day, Larry came across an advertisement in the local paper and realized there was a way of making his dreams come true. He went to a specialist store and bought forty-five weather balloons and several tanks of helium. These were not brightly-coloured party balloons, but large spheres measuring more than one metre when fully inflated. His plan was to float lazily into the sky, and spend the afternoon sunning himself 10 m above his girlfriend's garden before eventually coming back down to earth.
When he returned home, he attached the balloons to his garden chair, tied the chair to his car, and filled the balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks and took his air gun so that he could burst a few balloons when it was time to return to earth.
When his preparations were complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the cord. But he made a mistake in his calculations and things did not turn out quite as he had planned. He did not float up as gently as he had expected: within seconds, he passed the 10 m altitude that he had hoped to reach, rising quickly to 30 m and then 300 m. He climbed and went on climbing until he finally levelled off at 3,000 m.
At that height, he did not want to risk shooting any of the balloons because he was afraid it might unbalance his aircraft and send him crashing to the ground. So he stayed up there among the clouds, sailing around for fourteen hours, desperately trying to come up with a solution to the problem of how to get back to earth.
Eventually, many hours later, he drifted into the main approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. Fortunately, a Pan Am flight passed him and air traffic control was alerted. The pilot explained that he had just seen an armed man floating in a garden chair at 3,000 m just outside the plane. Understandably, the air traffic controller found this difficult to believe, but a few minutes later a Delta Airlines pilot called with the same message. Radar confirmed the existence of an unidentified flying object above the airport and the authorities sent for a Navy helicopter to investigate.
As night began to fall, offshore breezes began to blow Larry out to sea, and when the helicopter arrived, the wind from the propeller kept pushing his home-made aircraft further and further away. Eventually, they hovered several hundred metres above him and managed to drop down a line, with which they were able to pull him gradually back to safety.
As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was taken away by the police and charged with invading Los Angeles' International Airport airspace. But as he was being led away in handcuffs, a television reporter called out, 'Why did you do it?' Larry stopped, looked at the man and explained. 'I've been dreaming of flying for years. I just got tired of waiting'.
Then one day, Larry came across an advertisement in the local paper and realized there was a way of making his dreams come true. He went to a specialist store and bought forty-five weather balloons and several tanks of helium. These were not brightly-coloured party balloons, but large spheres measuring more than one metre when fully inflated. His plan was to float lazily into the sky, and spend the afternoon sunning himself 10 m above his girlfriend's garden before eventually coming back down to earth.
When he returned home, he attached the balloons to his garden chair, tied the chair to his car, and filled the balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks and took his air gun so that he could burst a few balloons when it was time to return to earth.
When his preparations were complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the cord. But he made a mistake in his calculations and things did not turn out quite as he had planned. He did not float up as gently as he had expected: within seconds, he passed the 10 m altitude that he had hoped to reach, rising quickly to 30 m and then 300 m. He climbed and went on climbing until he finally levelled off at 3,000 m.
At that height, he did not want to risk shooting any of the balloons because he was afraid it might unbalance his aircraft and send him crashing to the ground. So he stayed up there among the clouds, sailing around for fourteen hours, desperately trying to come up with a solution to the problem of how to get back to earth.
Eventually, many hours later, he drifted into the main approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. Fortunately, a Pan Am flight passed him and air traffic control was alerted. The pilot explained that he had just seen an armed man floating in a garden chair at 3,000 m just outside the plane. Understandably, the air traffic controller found this difficult to believe, but a few minutes later a Delta Airlines pilot called with the same message. Radar confirmed the existence of an unidentified flying object above the airport and the authorities sent for a Navy helicopter to investigate.
As night began to fall, offshore breezes began to blow Larry out to sea, and when the helicopter arrived, the wind from the propeller kept pushing his home-made aircraft further and further away. Eventually, they hovered several hundred metres above him and managed to drop down a line, with which they were able to pull him gradually back to safety.
As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was taken away by the police and charged with invading Los Angeles' International Airport airspace. But as he was being led away in handcuffs, a television reporter called out, 'Why did you do it?' Larry stopped, looked at the man and explained. 'I've been dreaming of flying for years. I just got tired of waiting'.
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