Air Babylon

Depending on what computer system the airline uses, check-in staff can talk to each other via simultaneous email. So when they seem to be taking a very long time to type your rather short name into the computer, they are probably sending one of their colleagues a message – usually about you or about someone in the queue behind you. These messages range from 'Have you seen this incredibly good looking woman / man?' to 'I've got a really difficult passenger here – does anyone have a seat next to a screaming child?' So you can see, it really does pay to be nice to the person at the desk.

There is a sensible drinking policy on all airlines, which means that we are not supposed to serve passengers if they start getting noisy, but some air crew think that if you give them enough to eat and drink, they will eventually fall asleep and give you no trouble at all. And, as every flight attendant knows, a snoring plane is a happy plane. That's the reason, of course, why we like to turn the heating up halfway through a flight...

Some airports are notorious for losing passengers' luggage. Heathrow has a poor reputation – most airports lose about two in every thousand bags, but Heathrow loses eighty per thousand, which means for every five hundred people who check in, forty won't get their bags or suitcases at the other end! This is mainly because the transport times between the terminal are so tight. When the airport is busy, which it always is, there is so much baggage being transported between the terminals and so little time to do it that a lot of the transferred luggage gets left behind.

Wheelchairs are a big problem for us. Not only is there always a shortage of them for the people who really need them, but worse still, some of the people who request them often don't need them at all. I've lost count of the number of times I've pushed someone through the airport, taken them through customs and passport control, and got a porter to pick up their luggage, and then seen the person jump up in Arrivals and sprint towards their waiting relatives. One flight attendant I know gets so annoyed when this happens that as soon as the passenger gets out of the chair she shouts, 'Ladies and gentlemen! I give you another miracle, courtesy of the airline industry! After decades in a chair, he walks again!' The passenger is normally so embarrassed that he (and it's usually a he) disappears as quickly as he can.

Birds are one of the major problems for any airport when planes are taking off and landing. A swan or any large bird can easily cause an accident. It flies into the engine, totally destroying itself and the machinery. Smaller birds are less of a problem. In some cases they can do some damage, but more often than not they are just roasted. When this happens, there is often such a strong smell of roast bird that passengers on the plane think that chicken is being cooked, and they're often surprised when they are given a choice of fish or beef at dinner!