Air Babylon

Depending on what computer system the airline uses, check-in staff can talk to each other via simultaneous email. So when they seem to be taking a very long time to type your rather short name into the computer, they are probably sending one of their colleagues a message – usually about you or about someone in the queue behind you. These messages range from 'Have you seen this incredibly good looking woman / man?' to 'I've got a really difficult passenger here – does anyone have a seat next to a screaming child?' So you can see, it really does pay to be nice to the person at the desk.

There is a sensible drinking policy on all airlines, which means that we are not supposed to serve passengers if they start getting noisy, but some air crew think that if you give them enough to eat and drink, they will eventually fall asleep and give you no trouble at all. And, as every flight attendant knows, a snoring plane is a happy plane. That's the reason, of course, why we like to turn the heating up halfway through a flight...

Some airports are notorious for losing passengers' luggage. Heathrow has a poor reputation – most airports lose about two in every thousand bags, but Heathrow loses eighty per thousand, which means for every five hundred people who check in, forty won't get their bags or suitcases at the other end! This is mainly because the transport times between the terminal are so tight. When the airport is busy, which it always is, there is so much baggage being transported between the terminals and so little time to do it that a lot of the transferred luggage gets left behind.

Wheelchairs are a big problem for us. Not only is there always a shortage of them for the people who really need them, but worse still, some of the people who request them often don't need them at all. I've lost count of the number of times I've pushed someone through the airport, taken them through customs and passport control, and got a porter to pick up their luggage, and then seen the person jump up in Arrivals and sprint towards their waiting relatives. One flight attendant I know gets so annoyed when this happens that as soon as the passenger gets out of the chair she shouts, 'Ladies and gentlemen! I give you another miracle, courtesy of the airline industry! After decades in a chair, he walks again!' The passenger is normally so embarrassed that he (and it's usually a he) disappears as quickly as he can.

Birds are one of the major problems for any airport when planes are taking off and landing. A swan or any large bird can easily cause an accident. It flies into the engine, totally destroying itself and the machinery. Smaller birds are less of a problem. In some cases they can do some damage, but more often than not they are just roasted. When this happens, there is often such a strong smell of roast bird that passengers on the plane think that chicken is being cooked, and they're often surprised when they are given a choice of fish or beef at dinner!

Tourist stranded at airport for five months

When student Sheridan Gregorio arrived at Fortaleza airport in Brazil, he was planning to fly home to Holland. He had had a great holiday, but unfortunately he had spent all his money. All he had was his return air ticket to Amsterdam. But when he checked in, the airline staff at the airport told him that he would have to pay airport tax before he could leave the country. Sheridan explained that he was completely broke, but he wasn't allowed to fly and so he missed his flight home. His ticket was non-refundable, so now he needed to buy a new ticket and pay the airport tax.

As he had no money, Sheridan's only option was to sleep in the airport and clean restaurants in exchange for food and some money. After working for five months, he had saved enough for the airport tax and the Brazilian police persuaded the airline to let him use his old ticket to go home. Sheridan told a newspaper reporter from Jornal da Globo, 'The Brazilian people were really nice to me, they treated me very well.' Sheridan finally arrived home safe and sound last week.

Lovesick violinist grounds plane

Nuala Ni Chanainn, an Irish violinist, had been travelling round San Francisco as part of a theatre group. When the tour was over, she went to the airport and boarded the plane that would take her back home to Ireland. She was in her seat, waiting for the plane to take off, when she suddenly decided not to go after all. She rushed off the plane at the last minute, leaving TWA airline officials thinking that she perhaps had planted a bomb on the plane and escaped. The plane and all the luggage were thoroughly searched by a bomb-sniffing dog. Meanwhile, the airport authorities stopped Nuala and took her away to be questioned. However, after extensive questioning, she managed to convince them that she hadn't planted a bomb: she simply couldn't bear to leave her new boyfriend! The plane was allowed to depart nearly four hours later, minus the love-struck violinist, who then spent another two weeks in the States with the boyfriend.